Bete, Tim: Guide to Pirate Parenting

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So, a pirate walks into a bar.... As Tim Bete tells it, at least, that's how his Guide to Pirate Parenting got its beginning. A pirate, one Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall, sat down next to him at the Crow's Nest Tavern. After an hour's worth of chit chat and one potentially fatal faux pas on Bete's part ("Do you work in a theme park?"), Cap'n Billy, having learned that Bete was a writer, demanded that he transcribe the Cap'n's pirate-themed parenting advice. Teaching parents how to raise their children as pirates, the Cap'n figured, would be good for the pirating industry, there being a shortage of pirates in the modern day. As for parents, they'll find that kids raised as pirates will have higher self-esteem and a more colorful vocabulary. And the fact that one's children are pirates is useful as a ready excuse for any behavioral issues that should come up.

Following Bete's introduction on the genesis of his book are seven chapters in which the Cap'n answers common questions--a sort of pirate parenting FAQ--on the subjects of: pirate babies, food, sleeping issues, discipline, health, converting one's minivan into a pirate ship, and the teen years. For example:

What is pink eye and how can I treat it? 

Conjunctivitis, or pink eye, is inflammation of the conjunctiva, the white part of the eye. It is caused by bacteria and viruses and is extremely contagious. Do not let your child share another pirate's glass eye. While swapping glass eyes may seem like harmless fun, it often spreads disease. To treat conjunctivitis, get a prescription antibiotic from your child's doctor or change your child's nickname to "Pinkeye the Pirate."

As for parents, they'll find that kids raised as pirates will have higher self-esteem and a more colorful vocabulary. Bete's book is cute in parts (I did laugh aloud when I read that Cap'n Billy used to call his grade school speech teacher a "speech therrrrrapist"), but the pirate jokes wear thin pretty quickly. Even at only 120-odd pages the book seems over-long. It may be that it's the sort of book one is meant to dip into rather than read straight through. That would make the salt cod jokes easier to take. Still, it's difficult to know who the appropriate audience for this book is. Kids might appreciate the jokes and the pirate-themed nursery rhymes Bete includes more than adults will, but then they're not usually in the market for parenting advice. But if you know a father-to-be with a slightly corny sense of humor, this might be just the book to get him as a gift. (See my review of Bete's In the Beginning...There Were No Diapers.)